6 Steps to Recovery for DC Sports Fans

We’re now four days removed from the Wizards’ elimination from the NBA playoffs and six days from the Capitals’ collapse.

It got dark… I know. It was so figuratively dark that I was literally cold and found myself in sweats in 80-degree weather. I didn’t know what to do or where to start. Saturday morning was a pit, but, DC, I’m here to tell you that it gets better. All wounds heal, and I’m here to provide you with a step-by-step guide to moderate recovery.

1. Drink.

It can be beer, liquor, frozen margaritas, or even your “manly” apple-cider. Preferably nothing Budweiser related, though. When it comes down to it, craft beer over macro-breweries, but that’s for another day. If you’ve been following the podcast, then you know I started at 11:00 am on Saturday (thank you, Billy) and I didn’t stop there. I continued throughout the day, dropping fifty bucks at World of Beer, adding two more pint glasses to my collection, and puking it all up around 9:30. I fell asleep in my day clothes, woke up wicked hungover, but found myself in a position in which the  only direction was up.

2. Rent/Buy and Watch Christopher Nolan’s Interstellar

You could also replace this with “Binge-watch Cosmos” on Netflix. This is just a matter of perspective. Either one is going to take you on a ride outside of Earth, outside of our galaxy, to a place where sports have no place. Sometimes we have to realize just how insignificant this all is and when New York fans start to brag, remind them of how small and worthless we all are.


*WARNING* This could backfire and make you more depressed… be strong and don’t let this crush your individuality.

3. Read Calvin and Hobbes

Your hangover and doubts about existence are going to linger if you don’t find something comforting and fast. Sports crushed you, and Steps 1 and 2 finished the job. Time to build.

Calvin and Hobbes is a childhood treasure of mine, but a comic strip sophisticated enough that it’s an easy transition from “mind-blowing” to “innocently thought-provoking.” Step 2 may leave you with “What is the meaning of life?” while Step 3 will save you by reminding you the answer is “to have fun.” Named after the philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes, Bill Watterson’s  comic strip should prove to function as a solid foundation for your resurrection.

An extension of this step could include Legos or coloring.

4. Listen to Mariah Carey

Go to Pandora, Spotify, or iTunes radio. Create a Mariah Carey station. Whitney Houston, Boyz II Men, TLC and others will find their way into your ears. You will find that all of a sudden you are doing laundry, washing dishes, reorganizing your DVDs or books or maybe even your bedroom furniture. Maybe you start painting. I don’t know what it is about the Mariah Carey station, but if there’s something you’ve been putting off, it makes you get it done and that little high you’ll get from knocking shit out, that will only be the start.

5. Eat. Everything.

On a diet? Not anymore. Trying to avoid sweets or something else? Stop. Now that we’re building ourselves back up, our bodies need fuel and it is time to build them back up. Find a Wawa, a food truck, or even a Denny’s. Order everything with extra cheese. If you’re in D.C., start at Ben’s Chili Bowl, go to Red Robin. There’s a very small barbecue spot in Waldorf and if you’re in that part of the DMV, you have to go. If they offer fries, get the fries. GREASE YO’ SELF. At this point in the recovery process, you are a bear. Fill up.

6. Watch a Bryce Harper at-bat.

The dude is killing it right now.


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