Ten Things About the Braves that You Probably Didn’t Know

So, Billy has decided to take the high road and not write one of these about Braves fans. But, it’s only fair my team gets made fun of. So, time to take off my Atlanta hat and make fun of my team and its fans. This may go poorly as I am still aggravated with our front office over the offseason moves. So, below are ten facts* that you may not have known about the Braves and their fans.

*not facts

10. At the start of every season, Braves fans act like they won the World Series last year and that they are going to win it this year.

 

Coming up on 20 years gone by now…the guy on the right remembers. He was in his forties. I wish that were a joke. 

9. Braves fans are in denial about the “streak” of NL east championships ever ending. 

 

It’s been over a decade since this ended. It’s time to deal with it emotionally and move on. 

8. The Braves are building a new stadium out of suspicion that Turner Field is out of wins. 

 

And with the clowns in the front office, that’s probably true. Not gonna be a whole lotta wins here either unless we get people that can hit the baseball. 

7. 85% of Braves fans don’t know the rules of baseball, who plays for the team, or when the season is going on. 

 

This is either A) not a recent photo because nothing Atlanta baseball related has been this exciting since Clinton or B) a group of drunk fools calling for a t-shirt. 

My money is squarely on B. 

6. Most Braves fans are too stupid to realize the differences between the Atlanta logo and the Alabama logo. 

 

Alabama fans are stupid, too. So, I’m sure fights have broken out over a “Roll Tide”-“Go Braves” exchange. 

Also, this sign is gold. 

5. Fredi Gonzalez is secretly hoping his poor managing will get him busted down to the minors. 

 

Sorry, Fredi. This front office has made sure that there is plenty for you to blame. Maybe next season. 

4. The Braves entire roster could moonlight as ‘Peaked-in-high-school’ Rob Lowe. 

 

Seriously. No one chases trends like the Braves management. The Uptons? Santana? Lowe? I hear we can get Randy Johnson and Mark Maguire…let’s get on that. 

3. SunTrust Park will include moveable outfield walls to accommodate the Braves warning track power.

Yeah. This would be way too far for our hitters, so glad it moves in. 

2. The Braves regularly patrol the stands for anyone better than the guys currently on the roster. 

 

She could easily start next season. 

1. The Home Depot Tool Race is rigged. 

 

Two-Bit the Drill never wins, it’s a scam. The paintbrush is clearly high on his own fumes. The saw couldn’t outrun a leg less sloth. And, the hammer has a nasty habit of knocking other competitors into the wall. The fix is in. 

And there you have it. I think the scary part about this list is that I didn’t have to make up a whole lot. Many of these things are true. On the bright side, the season starts in 18 days and hope springs eternal for Braves fans. While I still think the Braves will lead the league in 1-run losses and losses where the winner scores less than 5 runs, I’m hopeful.

Even if that hope is only to be wrong in my pessimism.

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