Ten Things About the Marlins You Probably Didn’t Know

With baseball’s spring games getting underway, it’s important to throw shade at one of the Greyshirts. Billy is a tremendous Marlins fan and as a Braves fan, I’m obligated to share with you all facts* about Billy’s team and fellow fans. 

*Not really facts

Here goes. 

10. A 60-win season is listed in year 8 of Jeff Loria’s 10 year plan as a “stretch goal.”

Not a bad goal considering the fire sale to Toronto a few years back. 

9. The ridiculous outfield “sculpture” is actually a shrine to Jobu, and Jobu likes dolphins (or swordfish, or whatever the hell they are). 

“Yo, Barkeep! Jobu needs a refill.”

8. Marlins fans haven’t seen real baseball in so long, they’ve started attending other games to see what it looks like. 

“Yeah, Bill, that’s what I said. They hit the little white thing with the wood pole! This is good stuff.”

7. In 2013, Billy the Marlin went on a diet. As a result, Twinkies went bankrupt and were discontinued. 

He has since fallen off the wagon and Twinkies are now being produced again. 

6. Ichiro learned Spanish because fleeing to Cuba may be more appealing than playing a full season for Miami. 

It’s not that far to swim. 

5. Dade County judges have started sentencing misdemeanor criminals with multi-game ticket packs to the Marlins. 

Felons get season tickets. But where will they all sit?!

4. Marlins players’ contract incentives include: grape sno-cones after each home game; Dubble Bubble in the dugout; and participation trophies. 

Dubble Bubble?! Should have at least held out for Big League Chew!

3. The longest home run at Marlins Park was recorded last season with a t-shirt cannon. 

In all fairness to the Marlins, at full power these things can put a t-shirt into orbit. 

2. The Clevelander was put in to distract fans from the Marlins play. 

It’s working for the most part. There’s one of these where the Jacksonville Jaguars play, too. Hey…wait a second…

1. The Marlins are actually a minor league team. 

Sorry, G. It’s true. 

So, I know full well that I am in for it after this “shots fired” list. In reality, the Marlins are probably going to be the second best team in the division, thanks to the Braves’ Major League-esque front office maneuvering. 

I can also think of 10 things about Braves fans. But, I’ll leave that to Billy. Those will be hilarious. 

Baseball is back, and it’s on like Donkey Kong!


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